mama said knock you out

Evan (holding a snowball the size of a watermelon): "Whoever tries to destroy me will have to deal with Big Mama."

passing Battle Ground, Washington on the highway

Evan: "Do you think we'll ever live in Battle Ground?"

Sonja: "Why would we ever live there?"

Evan: "I don't know. Cool name?"

sigh

What I'll miss most about these years: Evan coming up and hugging me for no reason.

What I'll miss least: Evan coming up and hugging me in order to wipe his mouth on my shirt.

two-step

“How was your date?
Yes, we’re up late.

We got lots done
while you were gone.

You’ve never seen
a cat so clean.

The doorbell now
sounds like a cow.

And don’t you love
the wall above

that giant mess?
You’d never guess

a little girl
had made that mural.

The guy who’s coming
about the plumbing

can Roto-Root
the laundry chute.

What else? The dryer
may smell like fire.

The goldfish bowl
may still be full

of cheese knishes.
If not, the fish is.

The babysitter
may be bitter.”

travelers

self-deception

Evan: "I made up a secret language. Even I don't understand it."

signs of the times

"Hot Love 2" was a show put on by Evan, Sage and Lily (visiting from Seattle) in the puppet theater. I have no idea what it was about, but it included lots of shouting and punching, a tornado siren simulated on kazoo, and an elephant delivering the line, "Yeah, the Incredible Hulk is right." I also have no idea why it was called "Hot Love 2," and neither does Evan, who wrote and directed it. "Sage and Lily named it," he says.

parting shots

In the car, leaving Topeka:
"Goodbyyyyye, Phelpses."

On the highway to the airport:
"Lincoln was killed by LeBron Booth."
"Hey Sage, remember when I taught you how to hail me? HAIL EVAN! HAIL EVAN!"

In the airport, after waiting half an hour to learn that we were going to miss our connecting flight:
"The great thing about being a kid is that you don't understand all the bad stuff that's happening."

i lose

Sage: "Stand still as fast as you can."

Eric: "Stand still as fast as I can?"

Sage: "Yes."

[Eric and Sage stand still for a few seconds.]

Sage: "I won! We were playing a contest."

honey, the kid shrunk me

Eric: "You're looking through the wrong end of the binoculars, Sage."

Sage: "I don't like big things. I like small things."

epigrammy

There's a chance I'll be able to publish a book of these, but I need to write a bunch more and they need to be good. So I welcome comments. Please don't worry about my feelings -- I just want to know what's working. Thanks.


“Evan is seven. You are two.
So give me one good reason you
should get to do the things he does.”
Sage rubbed her brow and sighed. “Because
of what you said yourself. It’s true:
Evan is seven. I am too.”


***


“Mommy, Daddy,” Evan said,
“When S-a-g-e goes to bed,
let’s watch an m-o-v-i-e.”
Sage scoffed, “I know that spells TV!”


***


Evan pointed to where, in the snow,
tiny legs were beginning to show,
and he said, “What a beautiful thing:
It’s the first action figure of spring.”

public recluses

I know it defies the odds, but Evan has confidently identified every single spider we've found in our home since moving here in July as a brown recluse.

true

Sage: "What do you call Santa?"

Eric: "Umm..."

Sage: "Pinocchio!"

Evan: "Sage, you tell weird jokes."

chicks dig me

spooky and classified 2

Darth Mall:

spots and stripes forever

Black and white and pink and more black is the new black.

love hurts

Eric: "Evan, stop kicking me under the table."

Evan: "Those are love-kicks."

high art

For the record, Sage made the plane. "Gabrielle" is its name.