Evan Said It

auto-focus

2012-02-17T19:43:00.000-08:00

Tonight I offered Evan $2 if he could go half an hour without talking about cameras. He spent fifteen minutes talking about them indirectly by asking if he could talk about boom mics or shotgun mics or movie-making or other things related to cameras. Then he spent about five minutes pounding his fist on the table and stuffing his cloth napkin in his mouth and looking like he was going to go crazy and asking how much time was left. Then he accidentally mentioned a camera.

a room of one's own

2012-02-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

Evan: "That'd be cool if Grandma Sue had guest rooms that were decorated specifically for Sage and me. Sage's would be all princess-y and mine would be all camera-y."

Sage: "No, mine would have ninjas. But they wouldn't be all black and white. They'd be pink ninjas. With lots of flowers and peace signs."

one vision

2012-02-10T15:49:00.000-08:00

Evan, bless him, is the most monomaniacal person I've ever met, and in the last 6 months or so his enthusiasm has shifted almost completely from Legos to cameras. He thinks about them all day, talks about them whenever he talks, and, apparently, dreams about them every night (if his morning dream-report is to be believed). Here's a small snippet from a typical monologue:

"That'd be cool if someone created a really awesome ghost-hunting TV show that drove all the other ghost-hunting shows out of business, and so they gave me all of their equipment. And then the awesome ghost-hunting show got driven out of business by a cooking show, and so I got all of their equipment too. I'd have, like, 70 static night-vision cameras and 50 tripods."

so obvious

2012-02-05T18:51:00.001-08:00

Evan: "I've figured out the secret to making cats happy: Talk to them in the voice of Mike Tyson."

resting her case

2012-02-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

Sage: "Evan is forcing me to watch a show I don't want to watch."

Sonja: "What show?"

Sage: "MythBusters."

Eric: "Sage, after you've had breakfast, you can watch a show that you want to watch."

Sage: "Hannah Montana?"

Eric: "Except Hannah Montana."

Sage: "Why can't I watch Hannah Montana?"

Eric: "Because I said so."

Sage: "You used to let me watch Hannah Montana all the time!"

Eric: "I know, and you started turning into a sassy teenager."

Sage: "No I DIDN'T!"

Eric: "Yes you did."

Sage (flopping melodramatically on the bed): "Does THIS sound SASSY TO YOU???!!!"

Eric: "No, that sounds more whiny."

Sage: "SEE!"

you call this archaeology?

2012-02-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

Evan's idea for a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" prequel: "Teenage Indiana Jones and the Pimple of Doom"

Evan answers a question

2012-01-29T14:19:00.000-08:00

Eric (looking for the cat before backing the car out): "Where's Roosevelt?"

Evan: "I see him. He's over there. I have excellent night-vision. Grandma Sue says I have cat's eyes. I eat lots of carrots. I wonder if you could make your camera higher-quality by feeding it carrots. My camera would be fat from carrots. Maybe I could make a standard-definition camera into an HD camera by rubbing carrot juice on the lens."

get down/makeup

2012-01-21T14:23:00.001-08:00

Today I took Evan and some friends shopping for makeup, costumes, and props for their next movie. At Walgreens, they got eyeliner and eye shadow and a mascara brush and a lip pencil; Evan asked me not to stand near them when they went to pay for it, "because I want to get weird looks from the clerks." Later, at the thrift store, where old disco hits were playing over the speakers, he said, "Wow. They even have thrifty music."

my psychic friends network

2012-01-12T17:09:00.001-08:00

Evan: "I think I'm kind of a psychic. Because you know in the gym where there are those marks on the floor, the marks left by people's shoes? Well when I stand on those marks, for some reason I can throw the tennis ball kind of high."

Eric: "How does that make you a psychic?"

Evan: "I don't know, but it's weird."

Sage: "Wanna know how I'm a sidekick?"

who you gonna call?

2012-01-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

Evan and Sage were discussing various people's roles on Evan's ghost-hunting team:

Sage: "What am I?"

Evan: "You and McCall are assistants. And also bait."

Sage: "Oh."

Evan: "It's a good job. If you get attacked by a ghost, we'll pay your medical bills. And if it's a demonic ghost, we'll pay for the exorcism."

another comedy of manners

2012-01-01T16:55:00.000-08:00

striking resemblance

2011-12-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

Bridget (walking her fingers up Uncle Eric's head): "Hickory dickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock."

Eric: "Hey. I'm not a clock."

Bridget: "Yes you are."

Eric: "Well, I guess I do have a face, like a clock does. And I have hands, like a clock."

Sage: "And you're boring."

focused

2011-12-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

Sonja (watching a video with Evan): "Wow."

Evan: "Yeah. That guy has a cool camera."

Sonja: "Evan, I was saying 'Wow' about the baby gorilla who's grooming a human."

Evan: "Oh. Yeah, that's cool too."

Evan calls them like he sees them

2011-12-20T13:54:00.001-08:00

"I've seen some people at the Y who should definitely be there."

"I can sniff technology from a mile away."

Evan has been watching "America's Funniest Home Videos"

2011-12-20T12:43:00.000-08:00

Daddy vs. Food

2011-12-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

giving it a chance

2011-12-17T21:02:00.000-08:00

Evan, reading in bed: "Okay, the New Yorker has officially been deemed boring for kids."

Sage said it

2011-12-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

Eric: "What lullaby do you want?"

Sage: "I want 'Hula-Boy Swinging on the Garden Gate.'"

Eric: "You mean 'Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard'?"

Sage: "Yeah."

***

Sage: "How much did I weigh when I was born?"

Eric: "Nine pounds, seven ounces. A family record."

Sage: "Yeah, first you were the biggest baby, but then I came along and crushed you down to the ground."

candyland

2011-12-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

In his culture, it is customary for the winner of the third-grade geography bee to celebrate with a traditional meal of brownie-batter fro-yo topped with mini chocolate chip cookies, crumbled Oreos, kiwi fruit, peanut butter cups and gummy worms.

highlight reel

2011-12-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

Sage scores, then intercepts a pass, then Avery scores. This was by far the best 54 seconds of the game.

now that you mention it

2011-12-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

Evan: "This door knob looks like some kind of big-nosed weirdo."

change starts at the top

2011-12-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

"Can we get some milk?"

2011-11-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

plum job

2011-11-27T19:17:00.000-08:00

Evan: "When I grow up, I want to be a candy critic."

three lies Sage told today

2011-11-27T19:14:00.000-08:00

"I think she has school today." (This was in reference to a friend Sage didn't want to have a play-date with. Today is Sunday.)

"Can I borrow a pair of your undies? We're doing a project at school with our daddies' underwear."

"No fair."

we continue to be a simple family, really

2011-11-24T12:54:00.000-08:00

pickle relish

2011-11-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

Evan didn't think the cats' eating area looked sufficiently festive.

wish you were here

2011-11-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

Le Gun

2011-11-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

Found on the playroom floor. I'm so glad Evan has Legos as an alternative to the disturbingly realistic war toys that other parents let their children play with.

RID (Riddles in Development)

2011-11-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

Evan: "Here's a riddle. There are two cars: One is red. One is black. And one is green."

Eric: "You said there were two cars."

Evan: "It's a RIDDLE!"

***

Evan: "Okay, a bush has five leaves on it. Autumn comes. Three of those leaves fall off. Why are there three left?"

Eric: "I don't know."

Evan: "It grew a new one!"

Eric: "But you said it was fall."

Evan: "Forget the fall part."

Eric: "It's a promising riddle if you forget the fall part. I've got a great idea. This will make it both a riddle and a joke. Say, 'A bush has five leaves on it. Three fall off. Why are there still three leaves on the bush?' Then the person you've said the riddle to will think about it for a long time, and finally he or she will say, 'I don't know. Why?' And you can say, 'Because in the time you spent thinking about it, the bush grew another leaf!'"

Evan: "The problem with that riddle is that the kids at my school don't really appreciate that type of humor."

on the way to school: the big questions

2011-11-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

Evan: "What are you going to put in your will?"

Eric: "That's not the most fun thing to talk about."

Evan: "Mine is going to say that I should be buried like an Egyptian king."

***

Evan: "What would you do if you saw a cat with an iPod?"

***

Evan: "Do you have a flamethrower?"

[Silence.]

Evan: "Do... you... have... a flamethrower?"

Eric: "Are you seriously asking me that?"

Evan: "If you were smart, you'd ask me what I was planning to do with it."

i wish these protesters would clean up after themselves

2011-11-12T21:07:00.000-08:00

bittersweet symphonette

2011-11-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

Halloween highlights

2011-11-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

Eric: "I like the part where Charlie Brown shows up dressed as a ghost, but with about 14 eyeholes cut in different parts of his sheet, and he says, 'I had a little trouble with the scissors.'"

Evan: "He's the holey ghost."

***

Eric: "I can't believe it's already been a week since Halloween."

Evan: "And we still have our decorations out in the yard."

Eric: "That's okay."

Evan: "Yeah, it's always good to have a big fake rib cage sticking out of the ground."

slow down, you move too fast

2011-11-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

On the same day that she made her first basket, Sage taught herself to ride a two-wheeler. I'm proud as a peacock, of course, but also ready for a milestone-free Sunday.

Sage scores her first basket!

2011-11-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

Filmed by Evan (from a nearby grassy knoll):

all the world's a stage

2011-10-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

I just pulled into the driveway and saw Sage dancing on the front porch. I asked her what she was up to, and she said, "Trying to get rich."

this is why you can't borrow my iPhone, Evan

2011-10-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

the lachrymose leech

2011-10-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

If you let your son read a dozen Series of Unfortunate Events books in the weeks immediately before Halloween, expect to start finding these sorts of things around your house.

he wins

2011-10-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

Evan's soccer team, the Purple People Eaters, just completed a storybook turnaround, winning 6 of their last 7 games and beating the best teams in their league lopsidedly. (One team hadn't lost a game in two full seasons; the Eaters beat them last Saturday, 4-2, and again yesterday, 5-2.) Evan isn't an especially strong or aggressive athlete, but he uses his head and often seems to be in the right place at the right time; he scored the winning goal in one recent game and the goal that put another game out of reach, had a goal and a picture-perfect assist against the previously undefeated team, etc. During his games I seem unable to keep myself from yelling hysterically from the sidelines -- mostly positive stuff, I hope -- and afterwards I always want to relive the action with him, reviewing his goals frame by frame. He humors me. He can see how into it I am, so he participates in the conversations in much the same way that I participate when he's talking about Legos. But he'd clearly rather be talking about Legos. And I love that. I love the ability of 9-year-old boys to resist all of our efforts to make them something other than 9-year-old boys.

scary spice

2011-10-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Things that my kids have complained were "too spicy" in the past 12 hours: mayonnaise, a sip of Diet Mountain Dew, toothpaste.

preemptive tattling

2011-10-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today Sage shouted up the stairs that Evan was getting ready to call her a name.

Carefree Highway

2011-10-22T08:25:00.000-07:00

Last night when we were driving home, Evan was fiddling around with my iPhone in the back seat, and he asked me to turn on some music. I wasn't sure what he was up to until I saw these videos. Actually, I'm still not sure what he was up to, but I think it's kind of austerely beautiful.

"Check it out. I'm the Statue of Liberty."

2011-10-20T18:44:00.000-07:00

"This is the Weird Show"

2011-10-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

runaway winner

2011-10-11T07:16:00.000-07:00

Evan: "What's the funniest thing that ever happened to you, or that happened while you were around?"

Eric (trying to get dressed for work): "Gosh, Evan. I don't know."

Evan: "You don't have a whole lot of humor in your life."

Eric: "No, I have a lot of humor in my life. A ton of funny things have happened when I was around. It's just hard to come up with the funniest one on the spur of the moment. What's the funniest thing that ever happened while you were around?"

Evan: "When Sage put your underwear on her head and ran around with no pants on and peed on the floor."

be aggressive

2011-10-09T17:25:00.000-07:00

i celebrate myself

2011-10-04T19:52:00.001-07:00

Here's a fun story about the children's book (and the blog) from Bostonia magazine.

Because this blog is your one-stop source for articles about this blog.

prediction

2011-10-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

Evan: "What are you going to be for Halloween?"

Eric: "I still need to give that some thought."

Sage: "I'm going to be a princess."

Evan: "Don't be a princess! Be something original!"

Sage: "I want to be a princess!"

Evan: "There'll be a million princesses on Halloween, but there'll only be one zombie assassin."

field of dreams

2011-09-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

Sage, for one, will be ready for tomorrow's soccer game. She insisted on going to bed in her uniform, including the shin-guards.

supersized

2011-09-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

This morning we saw a huge crane outside of a McDonald's. Evan speculated that one of the customers had gotten so fat that he had no other way of leaving.

visualizing victory

2011-09-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

This weekend Evan's soccer team had a tournament in Lawrence, where they played various hand-picked teams with pretentious-sounding names. I'm not sure how Kaw Valley Force Internacional felt about having to face a team called the Purple People Eaters. Anyway, here are the Eaters during the tense, tense moments just before their game against KVSA Club Select:

how does she do it?

2011-09-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

it may be time to reconsider the name of this newspaper

2011-09-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

karma talk

2011-09-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

Today, on the ride home, Evan announced the advent of "Karma Comics," which he's collaborating on with some school friends. So far they've come up with five characters: "Pizza Man, Crazy Guy, Robber, Evil Wizard, and Guy with a Big Stupid Hat." It sounds as though these characters all do bad things to one another, but then suffer for it. Thus, Karma Comics.

Also on the ride home, he came up with a great idea for a new reality-TV show: "Awesome Security Systems." I told him it sounds perfect except for the acronym.

back in black

2011-09-13T19:32:00.001-07:00

Sage has decided she's going to be either a fairy or a ninja for Halloween. "And the Halloween piano recital is coming up," she says. "And if I'm a fairy, I'm going to play a princess song for the recital. And if I'm a ninja, I don't know what I'm going to play."

you're walkin' on the fightin' side of Evan

2011-09-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

A student handed in a personal essay titled "Legos: the Root of All Evil." I showed it to Sonja, who said, "Don't tell Evan," but Evan overheard that and so we had to tell him. Afterwards he became kind of obsessed with it. Why in the world would someone write that about Legos? What a moron. I was going to give him an F, wasn't I?

Eric: "Evan, I haven't even read the essay yet. I can promise you that it's not really about how awful Legos are?"

Evan: "How do you know?"

Eric: "I just know. The assignment was to write about a time when you did something you knew was wrong. This student probably stole a friend's Legos, or a friend stole his, or something like that."

Evan: "Legos: the Schmoot of All Schmeevil. What a jerk. You need to give him an F."

Eric: "I think I just need to read the essay..."

Evan: "So you can give him an F."

okay then

2011-09-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

I just came into the TV room and found Sonja and Sage watching a Bollywood movie. The central characters, a young king and queen, were talking in a bedroom. Sonja said that Sage was really into the movie, despite the fact that it wasn't in English. I asked if all the content was going to be, ahem, appropriate. Sonja said, "Oh yeah. It's an Indian movie. They don't even kiss." Then Sage said, "Yeah, a couple of people died in a war, but otherwise it's appropriate."

Casper

2011-08-25T14:41:00.001-07:00

Evan: "Daddy, after you've died, if it turns out that ghosts are real, will you haunt me nicely?"

future shock

2011-08-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Evan: "What if things actually were all black and white in the '30s, and people just didn't realize it because they were used to it? And there was old-fashioned music playing all the time. I hope they invent time travel, so that I can go back to the '30s and scare people: 'I'm from the FYOOOO-TUUURRRE.'"

Eric: "Except we don't talk like that."

Evan: "I know, but I'd want to play a joke on them -- make them think I was some kind of robot-android."

"Look Daddy. It's 'American Gothic'."

2011-08-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

a couple of Nicholas Garland's woodcuts from the book

2011-08-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sage really likes the woodcut Sage because it looks like her, and Evan really likes the woodcut Evan because it looks the way he wishes he looked. Long dark hair!

"No school today," I whispered. "Snow."
Evan sat up and stretched. "I know."
"You know?" I said, crestfallen. "How?"
"You told me so," he said. "Just now."

"Rats!" said Sage, whose magic marker
refused to color any darker.
"Uh oh. I think I hear them comin',"
I said. "Be careful what you summon.
Rats are responsive. If you call
too loudly you might get them all.
Are you prepared to deal with that?
She scratched her head. "I guess not. Rat."

Want to lose 9 pounds today?

2011-08-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Buy my book of Evan and Sage poems through its British publisher! Only £8.99! (American credit cards are also accepted.)

but does she get revenge?

2011-08-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

Evan's storylines may be derivative, but his handwriting is all his own.

knowing his limits

2011-08-16T19:54:00.001-07:00

Evan: "I think I have too many talents. Can I quit piano?"

attitude is everything

2011-08-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

Sage: "I'm going to have a staring contest with the coffee maker. Ready, steady, go." [stares at coffee maker]

Eric: "How will you know when you win? The coffee maker blinks?"

Sage: "I win when I say I win." [stares some more] "I win."

Eric: "Good job."

Sage: "In your face, coffee maker."

return policy

2011-08-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Evan: "I love you, Daddy. I wouldn't trade you for a kajabuggabillion dollars."

Eric: "Aw, thanks, Evan. I love you too."

Evan: "I'd trade you for infinity dollars, but then I'd buy you back right away. And keep the rest of the money."

we're still a simple family, really

2011-08-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

BBD

2011-08-03T16:26:00.000-07:00

Evan: "We're playing a game called 'Biff the Bad Driver.' We basically just take that yellow car and roll it down the hill."

how not to get cotton candy

2011-07-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

Evan: "Can we get some cotton candy?"

Eric: "No, I don't think we need any cotton candy."

Evan: "Well I don't think we need any poetry books."

please take me along when you slide on down

2011-07-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Perry and Evan at Blaisdell Pool. Later, Evan and his friends played some sort of imaginative game in which they were sailors on a ship in "platypus-infested waters." Evan started describing the game to me as we waited at the top of this slide and continued telling the story as we slid down together. That's my boy.

I'm also going to post this photo I took of Ethan, just because I'm proud of it:

no pain no gain

2011-07-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

We've told Sage she can't get her ears pierced until she's older. This morning she disclosed her plan to get around that, which is to get stung by a bee on both earlobes.

we're a simple family, really

2011-07-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

art criticism

2011-07-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

Evan (seeing "American Gothic" on the wall of a restaurant): "There are those two weirdos on their lawn."

little help?

2011-07-21T12:26:00.001-07:00

the full arsenal

2011-07-14T11:29:00.000-07:00

Sage: "The only thing I want for lunch is Bobo's."

Eric: "No, honey. We're not getting Bobo's for lunch."

Sage: "Can we pweeeease go to Bobo's?"

Eric: "Sage, please don't use your baby voice?"

Sage: "Look at my cute face."

trading cards

2011-07-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ethan!

Addison!

Evan!

Sage!

First, you own the Legos...

2011-07-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

Then the Legos own you.

from the "how does he know that?" file

2011-07-09T14:31:00.001-07:00

Evan (listening to a Mumford & Sons song): "This sounds kind of Celtic."

measuring success

2011-07-08T09:16:00.001-07:00

Evan: "Ethan and I both got pretty good Lego hauls for our birthdays. I think his was taller but mine was wider."

furred nerd

2011-07-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

Evan: "If you ever go to a nerd's house, his cat probably has glasses."

Lego cake!

2011-07-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

Happy 9th Birthday, Evan Michael!

sigh

2011-07-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

I have never seen a five-year-old as aware of the camera as this one.

killing me softly

2011-06-29T10:56:00.001-07:00

Evan: "Daddy, Sage killed a beetle!"

Sage: "No I didn't! I just kind of killed it lightly!"

foolproof

2011-06-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Evan: "If your parents try to force you to clean your room, you can just refuse, and then they'll confiscate all your toys, and then your room will be clean, and then you can say, 'Okay, fine, I'll clean my room,' and then they'll give all your toys back, but they'll put them in the toy boxes, and your room will still be clean."

Ethan said it

2011-06-26T10:14:00.001-07:00

The other day I was talking to Evan's friend Ethan while he munched on a couple of cereal bars -- one blueberry, one strawberry (remember that detail) -- in our kitchen:

Eric: "I just can't get over it. If you look at the 1962 Topeka High yearbook you'll see your grandmother and Evan's grandfather. And if you look at the 1990 Topeka High yearbook you'll see your mom and me. And now I look out my window and see you and Evan, born seven days apart, playing together. It's three generations of friends in our families. Really cool, really amazing."

[Pause.]

Ethan: "I think blueberry is my favorite."

answered and asked

2011-06-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

Eric: "Oooooh. Did Mommy say you'd get a trip to Toys R Us if you did a good job cleaning up?"

Evan: "You don't think I'm folding laundry for fun, do you?"

I may know too much

2011-06-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

This was how I found our dining room yesterday. In unrelated news, there's been a strange van parked across the street for the past week.

playing to his strengths

2011-06-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

Evan: "You're really good at throwing and catching, Daddy. And I'm really good at kicking and screaming."

Hobo Dance (Chase Me)

2011-06-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what to say about this.

even lullabies are better with bacon

2011-06-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Eric (singing): "In the early morning rain... with a dollar in my hand... with an achin' in my heart..."

Sage (singing): "With some bacon in my heart..."

Eric: "And my pockets full of sand..."

Sage: "And my pockets full of ham..."

you heard it here first

2011-06-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

Sage: "My pants whapped the lights out."

afterlife

2011-06-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Eric: "Evan, what did I just say to you?"

Evan (eating Cinnamon Life cereal): "You said that when I'm done with my Life -- which sounded kind of wrong -- I need to put my soccer gear on."

they're coming

2011-06-19T08:47:00.000-07:00

Evan's friend Skylar has introduced him to Garage Band. Stay tuned for "Electric Smoothie," the debut single from the local band The British.

Sage chases fireflies (subplot: Roosevelt chases a ghost that's chasing Evan)

2011-06-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

recital (pronounced "wreck-it-all" by their instructor)

2011-06-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

in the kangaroo's pouch at Gage Park

2011-06-15T12:02:00.001-07:00

born on the 4th of July

2011-06-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Sage: "Evan wants to do everything himself."

Evan: "That's because I'm independent."

Sage: "I'm independent!"

Evan: "I'm more independent than you."

Eric: "Hey. Hey. Not everything has to be a competition."

Evan: "Yeah, but this does."

silent film stars

2011-06-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

Kids are funny. Kids trying to be funny are not, usually, funny. But kids trying to be funny, recorded without sound? Surprisingly funny.

floored

2011-06-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

Evan: "Check out my luxury house. You can rent it for $50 a day. It even has a little disco floor over here."

Eric: "Oh yeah -- kind of a parquet floor."

Evan: "It's more of a par-tay floor."