two easy answers

Eric: "Do you know what dollar bills are made of?"

Evan: "Cloth."

Eric: "That's right! I didn't know you knew that, Evan. How did you know that?"

Evan: "Smart brain."

please do not disturb the explosion

I've barricaded myself in a guest bedroom in the hope of getting some work done. Evan just helped my cause by putting two signs on the door: "Please Do Not Disturb" and "Danger! Warning! Explosion!" That ought to do the trick.

Sage observations

Looking out a window with a good view: "I can see as far as the eye can see."

Watching a TV program with some catchy music: "My bottom is wiggly."

nom de guerre

The cousins playing together on Christmas Eve:

Aidan: "Dr. Booboo-head-face?"

Evan: "Yes? What is it? I hate my name, by the way."

raisin expectations

Sage (eating raisins): "Raisins will save the day."

the people you least suspect

Evan and Dashiell, two little sweethearts undoubtedly plotting their parents' surprise birthday parties:

snow angel and dog dash

since we've no place to go

watching "A Christmas Carol"

Sage (traumatized by all the ghosts): "When's Santa going to come?"

eat your trees

I've been working on some funny poems for and about the kids. The blog has been a great source of material. Enjoy!


"Don't bite your knee," I said to Sage.
"You're almost two. Please act your age."
"I won't be two for two more months,"
she said, "and I'll be one just once.
If I don't bite this knee right now,
when will I?" Then she bit it. "Ow!
My knee!" she said, and rubbed her knee.
I shook my head. "Don't look at me."

***

"Evan, don't fill up on bread.
Eat your broccoli," I said.
He pointed to the florets. "These
aren't broccoli," he said. "They're trees.
And they provide a shady spot
for this hot dog, who's very hot."
"I see," I said. "In that case, please
eat your dog and then your trees."

***

"Evan, what's the magic word?"
I asked. I guess he hadn't heard
that it was "Please," because he said
"Alakazam-kazoo" instead,
which I suspect — I can't be certain —
is why I'm now a shower curtain.

***

"You think I'm going to stop at knees?
I can bite anything I please."
"All right," I told Sage. "Bite your nose."
"All right," she said. "I will. Here goes."

***

"Eat your trees," I said to Evan.
"There's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
trees on your plate, and you should eat 'em.
This table's not an arboretum."
Then Evan pointed to the eight
uneaten trees on my own plate.
"Daddy, eat your broccoli,
and don't eat it so talk-ily."

***

Sage-y had a little lamb.
She named it "Alligator."
That made Aunt Lucy laugh and laugh.
Then Alligator ate her.

***

"Rats!" said Sage, whose magic marker
refused to color any darker.
"Uh-oh. I think I hear them comin',"
I said. "Be careful what you summon.
Rats are responsive. If you call
too loudly you might get them all.
Are you prepared to deal with that?"
She scratched her head. "I guess not. Rat."

***

"The n is missing from the end
of my first name! I've been de-n'd!"
said Eva. "And don't call me that!
Eva's a girl's name," he spat.
"Calm down. You'll get it back again.
Nobody steals the letter n,"
I said. He stomped off in a rage.
"What's he so mad about?" said Snage.

***

I thought for sure I'd found a winner
in my long search for Sage's dinner.
The perfect combination: knees
and elbows, and some cheddar cheese.
And best of all, her biting it
wouldn't hurt anyone one bit.
But Sage said she preferred her own knee
to my elbow macaro-knee.

all politics is local

Evan is semi-obsessed with Sasha Obama. He talks constantly about things like sending her a letter, inviting her over for a play date, and saving her life. He likes to describe himself rescuing her from a burning building. It's a pretty predictable crush, when you consider that she's his age, she's cute, and she has her own Secret Service detail.

you do the math

Evan: "It kind of annoys me when you raise your voice."

Sonja: "Well it kind of annoys me when I ask you to do something five million times and you don't do it."

Evan: "I don't believe that calculation is correct."

hall-decking

collage we can believe in

One of Evan's self-initiated art projects:

at the dinner table...

Evan: "Has anyone here ever fought a Mongolian person without weapons?"

Sonja: "Where did that question come from?"

Evan: "It came from the top of my head."

I welcome advice on how to manage these conversations more effectively

Evan: "What does retartive mean?

Eric: "Evan, where did you hear that word?"

Evan: "What word?"

Eric: "Retarded."

Evan: "It's retartive. Zach was singing a song at school. And then he said he was just being retartive."

Eric: "It's retarded, and it's kind of a mean word. People use it to mean that something or someone isn't very smart. If someone's using it to describe himself, he's just joking and that's not as bad. But you shouldn't really ever use it because it's a mean word that could hurt someone's feelings."

Evan: "Oh."

Eric: "And I'm telling you what the word is and what it means because I don't want you to hurt anyone's feelings. It's good to know what words mean, so that you know which ones to use and which ones not to use."

Evan: "Yeah. Which is why Elias needs to know what the a-word is. Which is why I told him."