who you gonna call?

Sage (running from the kitchen into the dining room): "I'm scared."

Eric: "What are you scared of?"

Sage: "Ghosts. In the kitchen."

Sonja: "Don't worry. Evan will protect you."

Evan (from the kitchen): "No I won't."

Sonja: "Yes you will, big brother. That's your job."

Evan: "What am I getting paid again?"

Eric: "Free food. Free housing. Free education. Free health benefits. Free clothes. Free toys."

Evan: "Okay, thanks."

outtakes from the santa man-to-man

Eric: "Evan, do you remember when I explained to you about the Tooth Fairy?"

Evan: "I know where this is heading."

***

Eric: "Had you already figured that out?"

Evan: "I was suspicious. I was thinking of setting up a surveillance camera."

the cornucopia

Eric: "Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?"

Sage: "Yes."

Eric: "What was your favorite thing that you ate?"

Sage: "Pie, potatoes, and gum."

thanksgiving hospitality

And should you manage to gain entry...

worthless pants

Sage just came clumping into my office and said, "Daddy, my pants won't get on!" I turned around and saw that she had put her shoes on first.

at the toy store

Sonja: "Sage, what do you want for Christmas?"

Sage: "All the girl stuff."



And in case you were wondering, yes, the haircut is self-inflicted.

Evan's thoughts on education

Evan: "What's the hardest part of teaching?"

Eric: "It depends. Often it's the grading. But the teaching itself takes a lot of energy. It's kind of like putting on a show."

Evan: "Right. And sometimes you have to repeat the show, because your students weren't paying attention. They were obsessively texting their girlfriends."

***

Evan: "Daddy, do you think this is going to be the greatest battleship ever?"

Eric: "Evan, I'm just trying to finish grading one paper, and I need to be left alone."

Evan: "Well I'm just trying to build a battleship that will forever change you guys' lives."

don't be a stranger

Sage: "Can we go to Bobo's for supper? It's right there!"

Eric: "Maybe, but it's early, and I'm not very hungry yet. Let's go home first."

Evan: "Yeah, let's go home. Hang out. Get to know each other."

sacred cow

Evan (discovering some long-lost toy under the couch): "Holy guacamole cow!"

Sage (rushing over): "Ooooh, let me see your guacamole cow."

take five

Sage (at dinner, accusatorially, and apropos of nothing): "Aren't you glad that I'm almost five?"

Eric: "Well, sure, Sage. I mean, you're four and a half, so I don't really think of you as almost five."

Sage: "Well I am almost five. So don't be a chipmunk."

miner's refrain

When I was a kid, Legos were little different-colored blocks that snapped together. We used them to build really squarish things, like flat-roofed houses and Volvos. Today Legos come in complicated, expensive "sets," from which kids can build things like Large Hadron Colliders and replicas of the Getty Museum. At the moment, Evan is obsessed with Lego Power Miners -- little Lego guys who use sophisticated drilling equipment to extract Lego gems from underground caverns while battling rock monsters. This morning I was awakened by Evan speaking at me -- not really to me -- about Power Miners: one continuous sentence that lasted about 10 minutes. Then he forced me to watch a 3-minute Power Miners promotional video on the computer. This afternoon, when Sonja and the kids picked me up from work, the conversation went as follows:

Eric: "How was everyone's day?"

Sonja: "Good!"

Evan: "Daddy, if you could only get one of the following two Power Miners sets, which one would it be? The Titanium Command Rig or the Crystal Sweeper?"

Eric: "Evan, I heard about Power Miners all morning. Then I didn't see you all day, and now I'm asking you how your day went, and you're going right back to talking about Power Miners. Can we talk about something else for a little while, please? So, how was your day?

(Pause.)

Sage: "Power Miners!"

parenting, for the most part, is very simple

Evan: "Daddy, Sage pulled her pants all the way down!"

Eric: "Sage, pull your pants up!"

exceptionalism

Eric: "Are you comfy?"

Evan: "Yep."

Eric: "Nothing like snuggling into bed."

Evan: "Except snuggling into bed."

the disorganized reaper

Tonight the kids put on a play about a young woman named Sheryl (Sage) who moves into a house that's haunted by Evan's Halloween costume on coat hanger.

The dialogue included what may have been the least terrifying death threat of all time: "I'll kill you with my scyyyyythe that I forgot in my caaaaaar."

paper airport

All Evan wants to do these days is build elaborate little models out of paper and tape. It's a hobby we will happily continue funding.

inference

"This is called duck tape. Because it's yellow, and so are ducks."